I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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