Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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