dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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