Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
