On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Randomize
