She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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