Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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