He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Randomize
