I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
