Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
