I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
