He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
