speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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