I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
