Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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