you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Boobs speak an international language.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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