He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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