I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
