Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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