Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
