I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
