I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
