you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
