He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
