I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
