His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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