We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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