Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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