My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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