is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
