I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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