you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
