if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
