Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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