your parents love me but you hate me
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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