At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
