Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
