My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
