Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
