his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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