I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
