Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize