True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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