there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
