You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize