was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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