Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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