can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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