I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You took a bar mat shot.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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