it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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