I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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