Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
