I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
