so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
