Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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