I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
