Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
