At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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