This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize